


i will always catch you when you fall

by The_Doctors_Song



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Depression, mentions self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-25 02:51:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Doctors_Song/pseuds/The_Doctors_Song
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt by Anonymous: Alex is suicidal. She might be good at plastering a fake smile on for the camera, but people begin noticing that she cries easily and can't handle criticism without getting angry at herself for not being good enough. Matt can't stand to see her so full of self-hate. He decides to help</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will always catch you when you fall

**Author's Note:**

> This was a Prompt from Tumblr. I'm not comfortable writing these things, but I do know a lot about it, and it was prompted, so I gave it a go. Also, I don't claim to know what Alex went through before hand, but what was written was necessary for the plot. So... Yes. Please don't tell me that I shouldn't assume what she'd gone through. Consider it AU if it annoys you so much.

It was subtle at first. The occasional odd glazed over look, the one word replies, the crying over criticism that normally Alex could handle with a smile, a laugh and a wave of her hand. "I'll get it next time, it's all his flirting, I swear." What happened to the Alex that would laugh over anything and everything? The Alex who would flirt without realizing it? Where was _his_ Alex?

No one had picked up on it at first. She smiled less, she was quieter than usual... Everyone just assumed it was a fight with her ex-husband, or with her daughter. Salome was everything to Alex, and she been that way before when the two had gotten in to a row over Skype. Alex had been a wreck for two days before Salome called her in the middle of filming, crying about how sorry she was and that she promised never to say mean things to Alex like she had again. So no, no one had picked up that something was wrong. Something worse than a fight with her daughter. 

Surprisingly, it wasn't Matt, or Karen, or Arthur, or even Steven who had noticed. It had been Mark. 

"Is there something wrong with Alex?"

Matt had looked up from the papers on the President's desk, frowning at Mark as he glanced across the room to where Alex was standing with Pete, the camera man or today's shoot. Shaking his head, he looked back to Mark and shrugged. "I don't think so, why?"

Mark shrugged, watching Alex with narrowed eyes. "No reason. She just looks... sad."

Matt blinked, standing up straight and looking over to Alex. "You think?" Mark nodded, folding his arms and leaning back on the desk. "I dunno. But she just doesn't look happy." Shrugging, Mark walked off, joining Karen, Arthur and Stuart as they joked over the differences between American slang and British slang. Frowning, Matt watched Alex, watching as her smile seemed tight in the corner of her mouth. If you could call that a smile. Watched as a tear slowly built in the corner of her eyes and she shifted on her feet, hugging her arms to her chest and nodding. He stepped forward once as she shook her head, held up a finger, and rushed from the room. Glancing around, Matt caught Karen's eye and was out of the room after a nod from the ginger Scot. 

He caught up to Alex quickly, only having to turn two corners before he almost collided with her, pacing in the corridor behind set and muttering to herself. "Alex?" 

She turned, sniffling and attempting to wipe away the tears that slid down her face and shot him a small-barely there watery smile. "Oh, hello Matt. C-can I help you?" She closed her eyes, as if berating herself for the stutter, and Matt stepped forward. "Hey, are you okay?" He placed his hands on his shoulder's, rubbing up and down her arms as she looked anywhere but at him. Taking a deep breath, she turned her head and nodded. "Just fine darling."

Matt hadn't quite believed her, but had let it go because she obviously didn't want to talk about. Nodding, he wrapped an arm around her shoulder's and guided her back in to the room, catching Kaz's look from the other side where she was talking to Pete. HE sat with her then, despite her protests, and soon they were back to work, rushing around the room as the Doctor and River, and you couldn't even tell she'd been crying not five minutes previously. 

He met with Karen and Arthur that night, the other's too tired to sit out with them while they had drinks and laughed about odd things that had nothing to do with anything really. Clearing his throat, Matt lifted a beer to his lips. "So... What did Pete say?"

Karen sat up from where she'd been lying down, sighing and shrugging her shoulders. "I don't even know really. He said he aske dAlex if she could walk out of the TARDIS a little faster and Alex just started crying. Is she okay?"

Matt shrugged, frowning down in to his beer as Arthur shifted in the seat beside him. "She seemed to pull herself together. Maybe she's just having a bad day?" 

Except it wasn't just a bad day. It seemed Alex was having a bad month. Soon after filming the scene in the President's office, the'd been straight in to filming all other aspects of Day of the Moon. And while Alex was just as in character as ever, her personally seemed to be anything but Alex. Matt noticed, he knew Karen noticed. Arthur tried not to pay attention, he felt like it was prying and he didn't want to do that to Alex. Karen was fair game, Alex was different. Even Steven had pulled her aside to talk to her, and she'd ended up crying for ten minutes straight, murmuring things like 'I know, I'm sorry, I'm terrible' and 'Really, I shouldn't be like this'. She wasn't saying anything that garnered worry, but Matt couldn't help but feel it anyway.

 

Matt had stumbled across her, on her last day of filming for Day of the Moon, and he'd stopped short, listening to her berate herself.

"What are you _doing_? Honestly, this is pathetic. I won't be surprised if I get fired soon." Growling in frustration, Alex slumped against the wall and held her head in her hands. Quickly, her shoulders began shaking and he could hear the tell-tale sign of Alex sniffling and gasping for air. She hadn't cried as hard as she was now, at least not in public. He was by her side in a matter of seconds and had his arm around her shoulder, steadying her as he held her up.

Alex startled, looking up at him with teary eyes and her lip trembling, and he shushed her, moving her head to rest on his shoulder and running his fingers through her curls. "Shhh... It's okay Alex. Shhh."

Alex began to cry again, burying her head in to his shoulder for a moment before springing back, shaking her head. "No, it's okay. I-I'm fine. Really. Just... Just a bad week."

Matt shook his head, folding his arms over his chest and staring at her sternly. "It's been more than a bad week Alex. What's going on?" 

Alex shook her head, backing away and wiping at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe, smudging her make up. "Really darling. I'm fine. I should- I should go get my make up fixed." She scurried away from him before he could answer, and Matt growled. What was going on?

XX

Alex stumbled through her front door, dropping her keys on the table and groaning as they slid from the wood and landing on the floor with a thump. "Shit." Shaking her head, she stared down at the keys and huffed. It had been the last day filming for Doctor Who until Steven brought her back for the reveal of River. _If_ he brought her back. She'd been an absolute mess lately, and she wouldn't be surprised if he decided River needed a new portrayal, and she was out of a job. Huffing in a deep breath, Alex shook her head and moved to the kitchen. She was starving. She hadn't eaten much lately. Barely anything really. Why would she? She was too busy trying to be better than what she was giving on set, she didn't have time for food. And she was getting older, too old for her comfort, and her body wasn't as great as it had been say, ten years ago. There wasn't anything she could do about the wrinkles, apart from surgery and she was not willing to risk that. But there was something she could do about the obvious weight gain that came with getting older. Or, at least it was obvious to her.

She pulled food from the fridge and pulled out a cutting board, beginning to cut the vegetables as her mind drifted away.

She'd been miserable lately. Salome was back in LA, and while she could normally handle the separation, she'd gone off to a month long camp three weeks ago and she hadn't spoken to her daughter since two weeks before that. Florian had made things even worse than normal, talking about keeping her back for with him for her birthday, despite the fact that it was her year this time. Then there was work. She hadn't been as great as she thought she normally was, but had she been then? She'd managed to get away with the lack of enthusiasm and giddiness that she usually showed whilst on set for a long time, and then Matt had found her breaking down and she knew, she  _knew_ he wasn't going to let it go. Why did he have to be so, so... Matt?!

Alex yelped, wincing in pain as she glanced down and inspected the deep cut on the palm of her hand where she'd accidentally sliced it with the knife. She muttered as she swept the blood splattered carrots aside and moved to grab a towel. Covering the cut, flinching at the pressure, Alex turned on the tap and closed her eyes, placing her hand under the water and muffling her cries as the water stung her hand. Opening her eyes, a few tears springing to her eyes, Alex froze. She'd seen this before. 

Year ago, years and years ago. She'd been in this position, not long after, after Ralph had left her. She'd sat in the bathtub running water over cuts that she was desperate to stop bleeding. Mesmorized, she flipped the tap off and watched as blood sprang to the surface of her skin. She startled as a knock on her door drew her attention. Cursing, she grabbed the towel and wrapped her palm, rushing to the door and opening it with a growled 'What?'.

Matt gaped, startled by her abrupt and harsh greeting. Shifting on his feet, he tried to speak but couldn't form words. Feeling guilty, and berating herself again -  _Honestly, can't you do anything right?_ \- Alex leant against the door and sighed, holding he rhand to her chest. "I'm sorry darling. Was there something you needed?"

Matt rubbed the back of his neck, shrugging slightly. "I was just, I just wanted to - to check up on you. You know? See how you were after - What did you do to your hand?!" 

Alex glanced down, grimacing at the red stained towel and muttering to herself. "I'm going to need to get a new towel." Matt gaped at her, stepping inside her door and taking her hand in his. "What did you  _do_?"

Alex looked up at him sharply, glaring through narrowed eyes and pulling her hand from his. "What? You think I did this  _purposely_?" Shaking her head, she turned and growled over her shoulder. "Get out Mathew."

She knew he wouldn't listen to her, especially after snapping so harshly, but she still found herself grumbling in annoying as she heard footsteps behind her. She was taken by surprise however, when Matt grabbed on to her elbow and swung her to face him. He was glaring at her, his jaw clenched. "What is  _wrong_ with you?"

Struggling, Alex bit back a retort, glaring at Matt back. "Nothing! Nothing is wrong with me apart from the fact that there is a boy in my living room manhandling me!" Alex closed her eyes, regretting her words almost instantly as Matt's grip slackened and he stepped back. "I-I'm sorry Matt. I'm so sorry."

"Boy? You've never called me a boy before." His words were whispered and his face pinched in hurt. Tears springing to her eyes again, and her unable to blame the cut on her palm, she turned away. 

"I can't believe I've done it again. I keep screwing up everything and I-I don't know what to do anymore." She hadn't been talking to him, but she knew that he'd answer her. "Tell me what's wrong then. Maybe I can he-"

"Help? Maybe you can help?!" Alex turned around, throwing the towel on to the bench and throwing her arms out, a sob starting her sentence and a tremble ending it. "You can't  _help_ me Matt! Nothing I do is ever good enough, and you,  _you,_ can't change that!"

Matt watched silently, watching as she turned away again and her shoulders began to shake. Stepping forward, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and rest his chin on her neck. She struggled again at first, not wanting anyone to touch what she thought wasn't worth the affection, but eventually she slumped in defeat and let him hold her. "I don't know what is going on with you Alex, but you are absolutely good enough. You are better. You're - You're perfect and no one is going to say otherwise. Not even you. Not when I'm around." 

Alex stuttered a breath, shaking her head and closing her eyes. "What if - What if you're not there? You can't be there all the time Matt." Matt shook his head, burying his face in her neck and tightening his hold around her chest. 

"Just like the Doctor is with River. I will  _always_ be there to catch you when you fall. Please, just - just  _please_ tell me you didn't do this on purpose." He held her hand, running his thumb gently over the cut and she could feel his heartbeat on her back, the warmth of his body and she shook her head. "It was an accident. I promise."

Matt nodded. "Okay."

She turned in his arms, looking up at him. "I mean it. It was an accident." Matt nodded again, kissing her forehead. "I believe you."

Pulling away, she smiled the first proper smile he'd seen in weeks, and stood up on her toes, tentatively placing her lips over his in a soft kiss. He responded, careful not to deepen it because that's not what she needed now. What she needed was for her to know that he was there for her. He wasn't going to leave like so many before. That he could save her when even she didn't know she needed saving. And he let her kiss him, thankful that he had decided to check on her and that he wasn't going to wake up tomorrow morning with her gone. 

Alex had been sure that she would be alone forever. That that was what was meant to be, because no one had ever stayed with her, her family not included. She knew, she was absolutely sure, that she couldn't have done anything to jeapadize her life. If not for her, than for Salome. But at least now she had someone who could make sure of that. And really, she should've realized she'd had him all along. 

 


End file.
